Posted by Anonymous on 2015/05/29 under Uncategorized Feeling like I should be happier and more excited… but I’m struggling with my inner thoughts and desires.
Still have a major problem with the fact that my lack of self control destroyed my life. Maybe if I would have thought, felt, or acted differently… Today I would not have to look back at all the chaos that was me.
Then I wonder, would that have meant I would not have gotten married? Who knows.
Sometimes I think I would have taken my time like everyone is supposed to before making such a commitment.
Kind of sounds like regret… Maybe so. I have a s*** load of experiences I f***ing regret. And they all intertwine with the good times… So it can be hard to see them clearly. Even the best good things also have bad s*** attached.
All I can do is me. I cannot change people no matter if I’m right or wrong.
Nevertheless, it all comes into my mind.
It always has to do with me. And my mind. My vast and unapologetic mind. And it isn’t rocket science. It’s not wrong. It just is.
Everything I went through and everything I’m going through is preparing me for what I asked for. And I believe it.
But then I can’t help but wonder, do I really want what I asked for? Mostly yes. Absolutely yes. But I hate the collateral damage it brings. I didn’t see the other facts that come with me not being alone anymore. My thoughts and feelings are no longer the only ones to consider. And that has to be the hardest thing any human will encounter when they decide on committing. You just have to ask yourself, is it worth it?
Yes. I think so. But time and fate will show me regardless.